Carnal Embrace

This is my last effort as your local sex columnist. Instead of the traditional send-off, the this-is-what-I-learned-and-I-hope-you-did-too schlock, I’m giving you one last column and a fine farewell. I hope the next sex columnist rocks and can deal with e-mails addressing the current state of his or her pubic hair. No, that wasn’t a joke.

I know you can’t think further than your 10-page paper due in one hour, but the winter holidays are approaching. After you realize that sex in the library is overrated, I’ve got some ideas for a little holiday festivity. Believe me, people, it gets hotter than mistletoe.

Hanukkah starts tonight, so get ready to have eight crazy nights of candlelit romance. Jews celebrate Hanukkah to commemorate a Maccabean mitzvah. Way back when, the Maccabees needed to light the menorah of the temple, but they only had enough oil for one night. The oil ended up lasting for eight days instead, and that was the miracle of light. Immerse yourself in the oil-happy holiday and discover the miracle of oil-based lubes.
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If you couldn’t find a lover to test out condoms with last week, you can go hands-solo this week with the perfect vibrating toy. This club isn’t women only—vibration can be added to almost any sort of masturbation, regardless of your sex or sexual orientation.

Forget what science told you: Bullet vibrators are the building blocks of life. It’s best to get a simple bullet vibe (and lots of extra watch batteries) and then work your way up from there. Good Vibrations sells the Magic Touch Bullet Mini, a small, sleek, bullet-shaped vibrating toy, for $12. From here, you can add masturbation sleeves, rings, strap-ons and dildos more easily than you can customize your Scion.

For some toys, you can slip in a bullet vibe at the end for extra sensation. Women can party with Rock Chick, which is 4.5 inches long and a little over 1 inch wide for $66. Rude Boy is built more for prostate and perineum stimulation and is slightly longer at 5 inches. Unfortunately, you have to shell out more for that—it’s $79 for him.
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“Christine, let’s talk about friction. Pretty much, my roommate and I are getting at the idea that all men seem to think that longer duration is better, and we beg to differ. In many cases, there’s the issue of just … running out of juice. We’re not trying to say that (every once in a while) a good long night of sex isn’t the perfect thing, but when you’re obviously done and the guy is so proud that he’s still going … perhaps he’s got the wrong idea.

One of my roommates also wonders if it is normal to be almost completely dry after you orgasm.”

—Seven Years in Da Bed

Seven Years: I agree—too many sessions of marathon sex can get rather itchy. But it sounds like your partner doesn’t know this.
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A friend informed me of the following dilemma. I would have answered it in private and went on with my merry way, but I’m not about to look a gift question in the mouth. I’ve heard this story way too many times, and I’m taking preventative action against it coming up again:

I’ve been having sex for the last five months with my boyfriend, and I’ve only had how many orgasms … let me count … Oh yeah—zero!

And oral sex is … no comment. I mean I give him an “A” for effort, but he seems really overeager to please, and you can tell in his performance he just sort of dives right in and kind of goes way too fast.

- Zilch Earth-Rockin’ Orgasms
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Dear Cosmo: One can market “25 Hottest New Bedroom Tricks to Please Him” in only so many ways. Yeah, sex is about sharing pleasure and ensuring that of your partner. But don’t let a magazine like Cosmopolitan make you think it’s up to the woman to do all the arousing around here.

Turning the tables is no better. Telling a man to treat a woman like a princess, to suck her toes (girls can have gross feet, too, you know) and to buy her pearled flossy panties is the same thing.

Whether you’re straight or queer, sex is ultimately about you and your pleasure, however you derive that. If you get pleasure from your partner’s pleasure, that’s double the fun. The rest of us will admit that yes, when we’re coming we’re not exactly thinking about whether our partner feels the same ecstasy we just shivered through.
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Though rare, female ejaculation is certainly not a myth. It’s something to celebrate and (excuse my wording) to gush about, but more often than not it’s just misunderstood. You may have heard of it by other names, like squirting, the female “orgasm” and even gushing. Whatever you call it, it’s just not pee.

One of my friends described a horrible experience involving an older woman. To begin with, she had saggy boobs, he said, but that wasn’t the end of it. When they were at the end of it, he remembers feeling an incredibly wet bed, like her water had broke (but she wasn’t pregnant). It was gross, and he didn’t like it.

But he didn’t know what it really was. We’re not used to hearing stories about women shooting anything out of their vaginas besides babies, and even then more women are opting for C-sections. Gosh darn it, things aren’t supposed to come out of vaginas—they’re meant to hold and convey things inward and upward. Whether or not blood and ejaculate actually do come out, we keep hush-hush about those sorts of things.
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