Carnal Embrace

Glory holes may have been a punchline in high school, but in college they’re the real deal. I don’t see why people obsess over graffiti and grout puns—what about the myth of restroom sexual deviancy?

Glory holes are usually found in rest stops, sex shops and yes, college campus restrooms. They tend to be at the end of the row of stalls, farthest from the entrance. Drilled, poked out or cut, the holes are more than a peeper’s delight. Initially, glory holes were designed for gay sex, coming from the necessity to be discreet in a traditionally homophobic society. Now, glory holes are more novelty than necessity, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Glory holes are easier to use for oral sex, as penetration can force some awkward positions. As for protocol, one Web site claims that the receiver initiates the act by sticking his finger through the hole and beckoning the other to come through. Others are under the impression that you just thrust your penis over to your neighbor. Frankly, I don’t think most people will react kindly to an uninvited member.
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I admit I already had a bias when I rode the elevator up to the 16th floor, a bit jittery from waking up at the ungodly hour of eight. I had read the past Tuesday columns and an article from feminist Bitch magazine attacking Dr. Drew’s comments from “Loveline.” I couldn’t help it though—my jitters on the threshold of meeting a celebrity. The door was pushed open, sunlight blinded me momentarily and there was Dr. Drew, a halo beaming from the white crown of his hair. It was like being born again, except this time I missed getting spanked by the doc.

Along with several other student journalists, we squeezed into the suite above Union Square. I stared at the red patent leather high heels of Logan Levkoff, Dr. Drew’s co-moderator and self-described sexologist. The two held clean white binders in their laps, the Trojan Condoms font blazoned in red across the top. So this is the famed Trojan Condoms Roundtable Discussion, I thought.
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Either my e-mail’s not working, or the Berkeley crowd is incredibly shy. Instead, my homies exposed their very curious and dirty minds:

When the young Christina Aguilera sings “my body is saying let’s go, but my heart is saying no,” what does that mean exactly? I don’t think that’s the first time I’ve heard that one.

­—Genie in a Bottle

Hmm, how do I put this? If the heart don’t fit, you must acquit. Genie, if you’re with a woman who says she’s not into going all the way—despite how aroused her body may seem—then anything you proceed to do with her can be classified as sexual assault.
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When I used to round the party circuit, I’d get people recognizing me from my grainy Daily Cal mug shot. They’d approach me, introduce themselves and then promptly engage me in a discussion of the proper blow job technique. The thing is, at parties I’m probably not in the state of mind to answer all of your sexual queries. Instead, the next time you’re liquored up and curious, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll read between the drunkese and feed your lust for knowledge. Observe:

Do you think Senator Larry Craig is actually gay?

- Restroom Hopeful

No, I believe he just likes to have sex with men.
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In college, when you’re living 40 people to a house and 20 to a floor, you’re bound to hear someone having sex at least once. It happens. That’s what the library is for. One time, I had the pleasure of being on the other side of the wall, listening in instead of getting in on the action. She was really feeling it, and I could tell.

My roommate wasn’t pleased. We wanted to see who was having all the fun.

The next day, she came in excitedly. “I just saw her—the girl,” she gabbed. “You know, I thought she would have looked a whole lot sluttier. But she was just plain.”

Whoa there. So now any woman who enjoys sex becomes a slut? I thought we were working through the Madonna/whore complex. I thought wrong.
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Contrary to popular belief, the orgasm is not the meaning of life. It’s not even the essence of sex with a serious partner. An orgasm doesn’t assure you of love and it sure as hell doesn’t get you into med school. So if it isn’t all that and a bag of no-additives, organic, baked potato chips, then why is it so important to have one (or multiple)?

Well, here’s the thing: Having orgasms is important if you’re not having orgasms. Are you still with me on this one? It’s the craving to have something you desperately lack or want and to ultimately prove something to yourself and to your partner. It’s supposed to be an easy measure of enjoyment and satisfaction.

Plus, we put so much pressure on the climax. It’s the grand finale, the world-rockin’ zenith of human pleasure. Right?
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