Carnal Embrace

Christine, my close freshman friend was recently sexually assaulted. How can I help her heal and cope with the situation? How do you suggest I (or we) best approach, punish or deal with her assaulter?

—A survivor and friend

I respect your concern for your friend, and I wish I could have had that support when I was raped. Coming to college, rape was the one thing I feared above all. I didn’t want to be overtaken, to lose power over myself or, most especially, to become another statistic. It’s been two years now, and I still don’t talk about it. Your e-mail, however, made me realize it’s important to acknowledge and talk about the event in order to regain control.

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Condoms with a serious, long-term partner are a serious business. Having sex with a rogue condom is like voting for Ralph Nader when you really meant Al Gore. It really messes things up.

Regardless of your partner situation and regardless of your sex, you should find your favorite condom to optimize your safer sex experience. Some men like to masturbate with them, some sex toys need the protection and any multi-partner sexual activity needs protection to prevent sharing sexually transmitted infections. Certainly that’s enough motivation to stroll down to Good Vibrations on San Pablo Avenue or access Condomania.com online to find the largest, cheapest supply of condoms.

And now, here’s your ultimate shopping guide. Whatever you need, I’ve got the glove that fits for you (as long as you’re not O.J.). I’ve got stats from Condomania, a huge online supplier of­—you guessed it­—condoms. The numbers I’m about to spew at you are all averages, plus or minus some small degree of error.
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A friend informed me of the following dilemma. I would have answered it in private and went on with my merry way, but I’m not about to look a gift question in the mouth. I’ve heard this story way too many times, and I’m taking preventative action against it coming up again:

I’ve been having sex for the last five months with my boyfriend, and I’ve only had how many orgasms … let me count … Oh yeah—zero!

And oral sex is … no comment. I mean I give him an “A” for effort, but he seems really overeager to please, and you can tell in his performance he just sort of dives right in and kind of goes way too fast.

- Zilch Earth-Rockin’ Orgasms
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A freshman I once knew had recently acquired a boyfriend. They wanted to express their love for each other, to take it to the next level. But she wanted to keep her V-card.

The only solution, then, was butt sex. Obviously, anal sex did not count, as long as her hymen remained untouched. Problem solved.

Assuming that our youngest class at UC Berkeley contains the most virgins, I’d like to help our batch of freshmen avoid taking it up the butt in an effort to save their last ounces of innocence. I might as well start on a squeaky-clean slate to balance out the rest of the semester.

Keeping your proverbial hymen intact doesn’t have to be a chore. For many male engineering students, it happens quite naturally.
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Though rare, female ejaculation is certainly not a myth. It’s something to celebrate and (excuse my wording) to gush about, but more often than not it’s just misunderstood. You may have heard of it by other names, like squirting, the female “orgasm” and even gushing. Whatever you call it, it’s just not pee.

One of my friends described a horrible experience involving an older woman. To begin with, she had saggy boobs, he said, but that wasn’t the end of it. When they were at the end of it, he remembers feeling an incredibly wet bed, like her water had broke (but she wasn’t pregnant). It was gross, and he didn’t like it.

But he didn’t know what it really was. We’re not used to hearing stories about women shooting anything out of their vaginas besides babies, and even then more women are opting for C-sections. Gosh darn it, things aren’t supposed to come out of vaginas—they’re meant to hold and convey things inward and upward. Whether or not blood and ejaculate actually do come out, we keep hush-hush about those sorts of things.
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If you haven’t heard of Craigslist yet, there might be no hope for you. Every college student needs Craigslist, whether you’re looking for textbooks, free furniture, housing or some lovin’. Craigslist isn’t just for the school year.

If you’re bored at home, if masturbation’s lost its charm, if you think cruising is passe, Craigslist is your best friend when it comes to romance. The site offers free personal ads, and it certainly doesn’t discriminate. You have heard the allegations against eHarmony, haven’t you?

While Craigslist isn’t the classiest option—it doesn’t have the allure of Nerve, Salon or even JDate—it is free and possibly the best way to find no-strings-attached sex, if that’s what you want. You just have to craft a good personal ad and know how to weed out the weirdos.
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