Carnal Embrace

This is my last effort as your local sex columnist. Instead of the traditional send-off, the this-is-what-I-learned-and-I-hope-you-did-too schlock, I’m giving you one last column and a fine farewell. I hope the next sex columnist rocks and can deal with e-mails addressing the current state of his or her pubic hair. No, that wasn’t a joke.

I know you can’t think further than your 10-page paper due in one hour, but the winter holidays are approaching. After you realize that sex in the library is overrated, I’ve got some ideas for a little holiday festivity. Believe me, people, it gets hotter than mistletoe.

Hanukkah starts tonight, so get ready to have eight crazy nights of candlelit romance. Jews celebrate Hanukkah to commemorate a Maccabean mitzvah. Way back when, the Maccabees needed to light the menorah of the temple, but they only had enough oil for one night. The oil ended up lasting for eight days instead, and that was the miracle of light. Immerse yourself in the oil-happy holiday and discover the miracle of oil-based lubes.
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Yesterday was Mother’s Day. So thank you, Mom, for having sex and bringing me into the world. It was the best thing that ever happened to her (and to me), or at least that’s what she tells me. Not the sex part. I don’t want to hear about my mother having sex.

But she does like to make sure I play safely (and sometimes nicely) with others. I speed-dialed my mom, and of course what was supposed to be a quick well-wishing turned into an hour-long discussion about why I never call and how I should always use condoms and, God damn it, why does the dog always smell like shit and I don’t think your brother loves me, I must be a horrible mother.

I transcribed the following from our conversations while I’ve been at college. It’s not a single one-on-one, but rather the best of the best, compiled and arranged for your pleasure. Thank goodness I’m not living at home.

And yes, mom, I still love you. This one’s for you.

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I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions. I never keep them (even for just a week) and they are always the same: lose weight. Yeah, that’s pretty much been all of them.

But sexual resolutions? I can keep those. I want to keep those. We can help each other, lend a hand or two, perhaps a penis if things are really looking good. (You’ll have to supply that last one — I’m clean out.)

Let’s ring in the new year with seven resolutions for 2007. Then you can ring my bell. Ding a ling a lingus.

1. Have more sex. However you define sex, whether it’s penetration, oral stimulation, or anything that’ll make you come — do it. A lot. I’m not just saying this to get more people out there for me to shag. It’s for your benefit, too. (more…)

‘Tis the season to give, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to forget about getting some ass. Give your love-interest (your long-term partner, your fuckbuddy, or even your crush) a little somethin’ somethin’ to remember you by. . . and you may soon find yourself on the receiving end. Hopefully you’ll be receiving some pleasure rather than a fruitcake, but that’s really out of my hands.

The holidays are all about family, but you musn’t forget lovers either. C’mon, the cold weather, a warm fireplace, cuddled up on the couch, watching that claymation Rudolph movie — that gets me randy. It’s time for some holiday cheer.

Hanukkah’s just about done and Winter Solstice is long past, but that still leaves us Festivus (today!), Kwanzaa, and Christmas. It’s time to get busy.

You know that every boy and girl wants an iPod, but your little angel has been very naughty this year. I know the perfect gift, and it’s much better than a lump of coal. (more…)

It’s Halloween, and that means only one thing: everyone has an excuse to dress slutty. Some choose the “Legs Avenue” costume: Poodle Skirt Pro, Little Ho Peep, Southern BelleSlut, Devil Strumpet, Dorothy the Floozy, Prison Tramp (just to name a few). These costumes are all in good fun — hell, who am I to discourage the blatant display of toned thighs and glittered goodies? But we’ve seen it, done it, and tapped that all before.

Instead, forget the dressing up altogether; dress down . . . down there down. Make Halloween a more intimate holiday - get fondled and felt up by your partner rather than the seedy, sweaty guy dressed as the 3rd penis you’ve seen thus far at the Castro. Stay at home, turn the porch light off, and dress to impress.

You don’t necessarily have to dress up as someone else to make your lingerie soiree super sexy. (more…)