Carnal Embrace

Condoms with a serious, long-term partner are a serious business. Having sex with a rogue condom is like voting for Ralph Nader when you really meant Al Gore. It really messes things up.

Regardless of your partner situation and regardless of your sex, you should find your favorite condom to optimize your safer sex experience. Some men like to masturbate with them, some sex toys need the protection and any multi-partner sexual activity needs protection to prevent sharing sexually transmitted infections. Certainly that’s enough motivation to stroll down to Good Vibrations on San Pablo Avenue or access Condomania.com online to find the largest, cheapest supply of condoms.

And now, here’s your ultimate shopping guide. Whatever you need, I’ve got the glove that fits for you (as long as you’re not O.J.). I’ve got stats from Condomania, a huge online supplier of­—you guessed it­—condoms. The numbers I’m about to spew at you are all averages, plus or minus some small degree of error.
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I admit I already had a bias when I rode the elevator up to the 16th floor, a bit jittery from waking up at the ungodly hour of eight. I had read the past Tuesday columns and an article from feminist Bitch magazine attacking Dr. Drew’s comments from “Loveline.” I couldn’t help it though—my jitters on the threshold of meeting a celebrity. The door was pushed open, sunlight blinded me momentarily and there was Dr. Drew, a halo beaming from the white crown of his hair. It was like being born again, except this time I missed getting spanked by the doc.

Along with several other student journalists, we squeezed into the suite above Union Square. I stared at the red patent leather high heels of Logan Levkoff, Dr. Drew’s co-moderator and self-described sexologist. The two held clean white binders in their laps, the Trojan Condoms font blazoned in red across the top. So this is the famed Trojan Condoms Roundtable Discussion, I thought.
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When we think of STIs, we think of death—or at least the death of our free and uninhibited sexual escapades. We think of red, blistering sores and nauseating discharge. We fear these physical manifestations of STIs, but that’s not all we have to fear.

Some STIs may be asymptomatic. You won’t even know until it’s too late, until they cause irreparable damage to your reproductive system. You have to watch out for these infections—except, well, you can’t really.

A recent story from Reuters Health revealed that one particular STI is common among young people. Chlamydia, it said, needs to be addressed. Wait—which one is that again?
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I’m OK with a little nip and tuck if the body gets saggy, but sometimes you have to draw the line with plastic surgery. Some of us may want boobs like Barbie’s or lips like hers, but a Barbie vagina is out of the question. Come to think of it, she doesn’t even have one, poor girl.

Yesterday, the San Francisco Chronicle featured a story on the G-Shot in its style section. Now I get to be angry, yet again, with the nexus of sex and technology.

Technology is not necessarily an evil when it comes to sex. Think sex toys and high-definition porn, for example. Both are good, for the most part. When coupled with psychological problems, however, sex and technology don’t make such a good match.

Let me explain this whole G-Shot business.
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Imagine: one pill to rule them all, one pill with all the power, one pill … to entirely suppress the menstruation process. It’s no longer a fantasy. It’s the real deal, coming July to a pharmacy near you.

This month, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Lybrel, the newest birth control pill to hit the market. Lybrel is the granddaddy of them all—it stops periods entirely. No worry of PMS, no ruined underwear, no weeklong sex sabbaticals and, best of all, no cramps. Sounds like a good plan, right?

Not exactly. Periods, though they may interfere with our sexual habits, are important gauges of a woman’s body. Their absence tells you of diet problems, weight issues and an imminent baby issue. They meter health, and many women consider them measurements of fertility and normalcy as well. Let’s face it. We need the period. There, I said it.
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I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions. I never keep them (even for just a week) and they are always the same: lose weight. Yeah, that’s pretty much been all of them.

But sexual resolutions? I can keep those. I want to keep those. We can help each other, lend a hand or two, perhaps a penis if things are really looking good. (You’ll have to supply that last one — I’m clean out.)

Let’s ring in the new year with seven resolutions for 2007. Then you can ring my bell. Ding a ling a lingus.

1. Have more sex. However you define sex, whether it’s penetration, oral stimulation, or anything that’ll make you come — do it. A lot. I’m not just saying this to get more people out there for me to shag. It’s for your benefit, too. (more…)