Carnal Embrace

Either my e-mail’s not working, or the Berkeley crowd is incredibly shy. Instead, my homies exposed their very curious and dirty minds:

When the young Christina Aguilera sings “my body is saying let’s go, but my heart is saying no,” what does that mean exactly? I don’t think that’s the first time I’ve heard that one.

­—Genie in a Bottle

Hmm, how do I put this? If the heart don’t fit, you must acquit. Genie, if you’re with a woman who says she’s not into going all the way—despite how aroused her body may seem—then anything you proceed to do with her can be classified as sexual assault.
(more…)

Though rare, female ejaculation is certainly not a myth. It’s something to celebrate and (excuse my wording) to gush about, but more often than not it’s just misunderstood. You may have heard of it by other names, like squirting, the female “orgasm” and even gushing. Whatever you call it, it’s just not pee.

One of my friends described a horrible experience involving an older woman. To begin with, she had saggy boobs, he said, but that wasn’t the end of it. When they were at the end of it, he remembers feeling an incredibly wet bed, like her water had broke (but she wasn’t pregnant). It was gross, and he didn’t like it.

But he didn’t know what it really was. We’re not used to hearing stories about women shooting anything out of their vaginas besides babies, and even then more women are opting for C-sections. Gosh darn it, things aren’t supposed to come out of vaginas—they’re meant to hold and convey things inward and upward. Whether or not blood and ejaculate actually do come out, we keep hush-hush about those sorts of things.
(more…)

It has come to my attention that the Sex on Tuesday column is “vulgar” and “disgusting.” In one e-mail, a student asked that I move away from the genitalia. The thing is, I’m completely taken with the body. It’s where it all starts, isn’t it?

He was upset with “poon.” Honey, we’ve got bigger battles to fight. “Poon” is hardly vulgar. Vulgar language is ingrained sexism, inherent racism and some forms of Latin. Cogito ergo I come. And now I conquer.

Vulgar language today is hegemonic. We use these words every day, words that supposedly clean up and push back the shame of our bodies. Nobody bats an eye when “pudendum” appears in a textbook or a work of literature. It sounds so Latin, so reformed and so clean, partly because you don’t even know what the hell it means.
(more…)

We, the student body, take balls for granted. They’re not always going to be so perky, you know. One day they’re going to be hanging around your partner’s knees, and then you’ll wish you could still pretend they’re not even there.

Dearest Carrie Bradshaw of “Sex and the City” fame put in her two cents. She thought she had it all figured out, that “balls are to men what purses are to women. It’s just a little bag, but we’d feel naked in public without it.” For a while, I didn’t get it either. It’s more than a bag, but it took me a while to learn this.

My relationship with the family jewels started with my younger brother. Stop it. Don’t be gross—it wasn’t like that. We were fighters, not lovers, and that meant a swift kick and punch to the nads to liven things up. At one point, he started running away from me with his hands cupped over his crotch. I hope he won’t hate me when he finds out he can’t reproduce.
(more…)

“Oh you like that, don’t you?” he asks, in the heat of passion. “Do you like that cock? Yea?” He moans. Then, a beat. “So…what do you like about it?” Oh yeah, all hot and steamy. At least it was for me - until the guy got hung up on his weiner.

I’m not going to coddle you, to tell you all dicks are beautiful and sexy and powerful - simply because it’s not true. There are so many variations that any cocklover is bound to develop a preference for his or her favorite manly doodad. Color, texture, length, girth, hair, cut, shape: these all factor into the composition of a penis.

Our favorite misconception about the wang revolves around the issue of race. We know the myths: black dudes got big wood, Asians are tiny, and the like. There have been studies and research done that try to support these claims. Whatever. Skin color does not necessarily dictate the size of your johnson. And who says bigger is better anyway?
(more…)

The San Francisco Chronicle recently reported on a story about a semi-successful penis transplant. A 44-year-old man, who had lost his penis in some way or another (those tricky buggers, always running away, you know?), underwent a penis transplant, only to later opt for a non-penis life. Surgeons had used a donor penis from a 22-year-old brain dead man, who presumably was in no need of one. . . although (who knows?) there may have been a headstrong nurse ala Jenny Fields looking for a Garp of her own. . .but I digress. Anyway, this lucky Chinese man received a healthy, young penis - and we all are well aware of the robust powers of a lusty 20-something’s johnson.

However, his wife was not quite pleased with what he had to bring home the day after his transplant surgery. The couple complained of the “swollen shape” two weeks after the surgery, and the wife had a “pyschological rejection” of his new organ. Now, if you’re quick on the uptake like me, you could see where this could go: Chinese man. . . new penis. . . swollen. . . Shouldn’t the couple have been happy about it? Well, apparently it was four inches of a humdrum-dinger. (Yea, I’d want a new one, too). (more…)