Carnal Embrace

This is my last effort as your local sex columnist. Instead of the traditional send-off, the this-is-what-I-learned-and-I-hope-you-did-too schlock, I’m giving you one last column and a fine farewell. I hope the next sex columnist rocks and can deal with e-mails addressing the current state of his or her pubic hair. No, that wasn’t a joke.

I know you can’t think further than your 10-page paper due in one hour, but the winter holidays are approaching. After you realize that sex in the library is overrated, I’ve got some ideas for a little holiday festivity. Believe me, people, it gets hotter than mistletoe.

Hanukkah starts tonight, so get ready to have eight crazy nights of candlelit romance. Jews celebrate Hanukkah to commemorate a Maccabean mitzvah. Way back when, the Maccabees needed to light the menorah of the temple, but they only had enough oil for one night. The oil ended up lasting for eight days instead, and that was the miracle of light. Immerse yourself in the oil-happy holiday and discover the miracle of oil-based lubes.
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If you couldn’t find a lover to test out condoms with last week, you can go hands-solo this week with the perfect vibrating toy. This club isn’t women only—vibration can be added to almost any sort of masturbation, regardless of your sex or sexual orientation.

Forget what science told you: Bullet vibrators are the building blocks of life. It’s best to get a simple bullet vibe (and lots of extra watch batteries) and then work your way up from there. Good Vibrations sells the Magic Touch Bullet Mini, a small, sleek, bullet-shaped vibrating toy, for $12. From here, you can add masturbation sleeves, rings, strap-ons and dildos more easily than you can customize your Scion.

For some toys, you can slip in a bullet vibe at the end for extra sensation. Women can party with Rock Chick, which is 4.5 inches long and a little over 1 inch wide for $66. Rude Boy is built more for prostate and perineum stimulation and is slightly longer at 5 inches. Unfortunately, you have to shell out more for that—it’s $79 for him.
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Condoms with a serious, long-term partner are a serious business. Having sex with a rogue condom is like voting for Ralph Nader when you really meant Al Gore. It really messes things up.

Regardless of your partner situation and regardless of your sex, you should find your favorite condom to optimize your safer sex experience. Some men like to masturbate with them, some sex toys need the protection and any multi-partner sexual activity needs protection to prevent sharing sexually transmitted infections. Certainly that’s enough motivation to stroll down to Good Vibrations on San Pablo Avenue or access Condomania.com online to find the largest, cheapest supply of condoms.

And now, here’s your ultimate shopping guide. Whatever you need, I’ve got the glove that fits for you (as long as you’re not O.J.). I’ve got stats from Condomania, a huge online supplier of­—you guessed it­—condoms. The numbers I’m about to spew at you are all averages, plus or minus some small degree of error.
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“Christine, let’s talk about friction. Pretty much, my roommate and I are getting at the idea that all men seem to think that longer duration is better, and we beg to differ. In many cases, there’s the issue of just … running out of juice. We’re not trying to say that (every once in a while) a good long night of sex isn’t the perfect thing, but when you’re obviously done and the guy is so proud that he’s still going … perhaps he’s got the wrong idea.

One of my roommates also wonders if it is normal to be almost completely dry after you orgasm.”

—Seven Years in Da Bed

Seven Years: I agree—too many sessions of marathon sex can get rather itchy. But it sounds like your partner doesn’t know this.
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Dear Cosmo: One can market “25 Hottest New Bedroom Tricks to Please Him” in only so many ways. Yeah, sex is about sharing pleasure and ensuring that of your partner. But don’t let a magazine like Cosmopolitan make you think it’s up to the woman to do all the arousing around here.

Turning the tables is no better. Telling a man to treat a woman like a princess, to suck her toes (girls can have gross feet, too, you know) and to buy her pearled flossy panties is the same thing.

Whether you’re straight or queer, sex is ultimately about you and your pleasure, however you derive that. If you get pleasure from your partner’s pleasure, that’s double the fun. The rest of us will admit that yes, when we’re coming we’re not exactly thinking about whether our partner feels the same ecstasy we just shivered through.
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This year you finally snagged a serious partner, and now you’re in a happy and healthy relationship. Well, it looks that way. Your daily grind of sex isn’t as fun and pleasurable as you remember it.

Though summer may be hot, you shouldn’t let your relationship cool down. Sexual pleasure is an essential part of any happy, long-term relationship. Let your summer sizzle, and embrace the heat … with your pants off.

In general, we’re finicky creatures; we tend to get bored, and being a part of the video game generation with all its high tech, flashing and fantastical stimulation doesn’t help. We need more than just sex. We need hot sex, with special effects.

First, if you’re still stuck in missionary, you really need to try some different flavors. (more…)