Carnal Embrace

Bored? Lonely? Cold? Just plain feeling sorry for yourself (or someone else)? No, these aren’t the questions from an antidepressant ad—these are among the 237 scientifically found reasons why we have sex. Although, come to think of it, if you’re feeling depressed, you might want to try a little sex. It does a body (and mind and soul) some good.

Psychologists from the University of Texas at Austin feel like they’ve achieved a huge coup in the study of sex. Despite what the Catholic Church says, people don’t have sex solely for procreation. Darwin wasn’t all on it either—we have sex for more than the betterment of ourselves and our line. Sometimes, the survey found, we have sex to hurt ourselves.

As if you didn’t know that already. Summarized in The New York Times last week, the survey is the most comprehensive sex study to-date, but it’s still lacking. After all, the researchers only found 237 reasons. I’m sure we can each tack on a handful more.
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I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of time in front of the TV lately. No longer on the prowl for sex and no longer buried in yet another Shakespeare play/masterpiece/torture trap, I have too much free time on my hands. Hello, my name is Christine, and I’m a TV-holic.

I’ve watched ads, too. A few in particular caught my eye, especially one that even The New York Times bothered to mention. If you’ve been watching network television, you probably know the one I’m talking about.

The commercial opens in a bar, filled with pigs and women. Immediate joke: Men are pigs. Well, men without condoms, that is. One pig is trying his luck with a lady, but no dice, so he leaves to buy a condom from the restroom dispenser. Presto change-o! He becomes tall, dark and handsome, and the lady at the bar smiles at the new man. The tag? “Evolve,” says Trojan. “Use a condom every time.”
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I’m OK with a little nip and tuck if the body gets saggy, but sometimes you have to draw the line with plastic surgery. Some of us may want boobs like Barbie’s or lips like hers, but a Barbie vagina is out of the question. Come to think of it, she doesn’t even have one, poor girl.

Yesterday, the San Francisco Chronicle featured a story on the G-Shot in its style section. Now I get to be angry, yet again, with the nexus of sex and technology.

Technology is not necessarily an evil when it comes to sex. Think sex toys and high-definition porn, for example. Both are good, for the most part. When coupled with psychological problems, however, sex and technology don’t make such a good match.

Let me explain this whole G-Shot business.
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Imagine: one pill to rule them all, one pill with all the power, one pill … to entirely suppress the menstruation process. It’s no longer a fantasy. It’s the real deal, coming July to a pharmacy near you.

This month, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Lybrel, the newest birth control pill to hit the market. Lybrel is the granddaddy of them all—it stops periods entirely. No worry of PMS, no ruined underwear, no weeklong sex sabbaticals and, best of all, no cramps. Sounds like a good plan, right?

Not exactly. Periods, though they may interfere with our sexual habits, are important gauges of a woman’s body. Their absence tells you of diet problems, weight issues and an imminent baby issue. They meter health, and many women consider them measurements of fertility and normalcy as well. Let’s face it. We need the period. There, I said it.
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We all know that when we say “size doesn’t matter” that it’s a big, fat, ginormous lie. We’ve got breast implants, butt implants, penile implants, “all-natural herbal supplements,” push-up bras, water bras, padded bras, or an extra sock in the crotch to help things along. Now there’s one more thing you can supersize, but you won’t be getting any fries: your G-spot.

Of course, the latest in cosmetic surgery (for your vagina, no less) hails from Plastic Mecca. I’m talking Los Angeles. Who didn’t see that one coming?

So now along with worrying about having perfectly sculpted brows, the right shade of fake tan, a smooth and hairless poontang, and great orbs of mammary perk, I’ve got to ponder if my G-Spot is big enough? Fuck you. No really. (more…)

The Los Angeles Times recently reported on a study that found male circumcision to lower the risk of contracting HIV. Now Jews finally have something to boast from their bris besides just a pretty penis. Hello, boys of AEPi, let’s share the love!

The study showed that circumcision cut the risk of HIV infection in half, as the foreskin is composed of fragile cells more susceptible to infection in general. In fact, the article claims that the study was so successful in finding a defense against HIV that it ended prematurely to offer “a little off the top” to all the participants. Awesome, I’m always up for a free trim.

The director of the World Health Organization’s department of HIV/AIDS, named — get this, I am not joking– Dr. De Cock, says that circumcision is “not a magic bullet,” but the findings are very beneficial in a global battle against HIV. And I trust his word. He is, afterall, De Cock, doctor.

The study, however, is not perfect. I’m all for a clean-cut man, but this little tale just ain’t working for me. I’ve got a bone to pick, if you know what I mean. (And by “pick” I mean. . . well, a little wink wink nudge nudge.)
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