Carnal Embrace

A freshman I once knew had recently acquired a boyfriend. They wanted to express their love for each other, to take it to the next level. But she wanted to keep her V-card.

The only solution, then, was butt sex. Obviously, anal sex did not count, as long as her hymen remained untouched. Problem solved.

Assuming that our youngest class at UC Berkeley contains the most virgins, I’d like to help our batch of freshmen avoid taking it up the butt in an effort to save their last ounces of innocence. I might as well start on a squeaky-clean slate to balance out the rest of the semester.

Keeping your proverbial hymen intact doesn’t have to be a chore. For many male engineering students, it happens quite naturally.
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Dear Cosmo: One can market “25 Hottest New Bedroom Tricks to Please Him” in only so many ways. Yeah, sex is about sharing pleasure and ensuring that of your partner. But don’t let a magazine like Cosmopolitan make you think it’s up to the woman to do all the arousing around here.

Turning the tables is no better. Telling a man to treat a woman like a princess, to suck her toes (girls can have gross feet, too, you know) and to buy her pearled flossy panties is the same thing.

Whether you’re straight or queer, sex is ultimately about you and your pleasure, however you derive that. If you get pleasure from your partner’s pleasure, that’s double the fun. The rest of us will admit that yes, when we’re coming we’re not exactly thinking about whether our partner feels the same ecstasy we just shivered through.
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When we think of STIs, we think of death—or at least the death of our free and uninhibited sexual escapades. We think of red, blistering sores and nauseating discharge. We fear these physical manifestations of STIs, but that’s not all we have to fear.

Some STIs may be asymptomatic. You won’t even know until it’s too late, until they cause irreparable damage to your reproductive system. You have to watch out for these infections—except, well, you can’t really.

A recent story from Reuters Health revealed that one particular STI is common among young people. Chlamydia, it said, needs to be addressed. Wait—which one is that again?
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Bored? Lonely? Cold? Just plain feeling sorry for yourself (or someone else)? No, these aren’t the questions from an antidepressant ad—these are among the 237 scientifically found reasons why we have sex. Although, come to think of it, if you’re feeling depressed, you might want to try a little sex. It does a body (and mind and soul) some good.

Psychologists from the University of Texas at Austin feel like they’ve achieved a huge coup in the study of sex. Despite what the Catholic Church says, people don’t have sex solely for procreation. Darwin wasn’t all on it either—we have sex for more than the betterment of ourselves and our line. Sometimes, the survey found, we have sex to hurt ourselves.

As if you didn’t know that already. Summarized in The New York Times last week, the survey is the most comprehensive sex study to-date, but it’s still lacking. After all, the researchers only found 237 reasons. I’m sure we can each tack on a handful more.
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