Carnal Embrace

Imagine: one pill to rule them all, one pill with all the power, one pill … to entirely suppress the menstruation process. It’s no longer a fantasy. It’s the real deal, coming July to a pharmacy near you.

This month, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Lybrel, the newest birth control pill to hit the market. Lybrel is the granddaddy of them all—it stops periods entirely. No worry of PMS, no ruined underwear, no weeklong sex sabbaticals and, best of all, no cramps. Sounds like a good plan, right?

Not exactly. Periods, though they may interfere with our sexual habits, are important gauges of a woman’s body. Their absence tells you of diet problems, weight issues and an imminent baby issue. They meter health, and many women consider them measurements of fertility and normalcy as well. Let’s face it. We need the period. There, I said it.
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This year you finally snagged a serious partner, and now you’re in a happy and healthy relationship. Well, it looks that way. Your daily grind of sex isn’t as fun and pleasurable as you remember it.

Though summer may be hot, you shouldn’t let your relationship cool down. Sexual pleasure is an essential part of any happy, long-term relationship. Let your summer sizzle, and embrace the heat … with your pants off.

In general, we’re finicky creatures; we tend to get bored, and being a part of the video game generation with all its high tech, flashing and fantastical stimulation doesn’t help. We need more than just sex. We need hot sex, with special effects.

First, if you’re still stuck in missionary, you really need to try some different flavors. (more…)

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. So thank you, Mom, for having sex and bringing me into the world. It was the best thing that ever happened to her (and to me), or at least that’s what she tells me. Not the sex part. I don’t want to hear about my mother having sex.

But she does like to make sure I play safely (and sometimes nicely) with others. I speed-dialed my mom, and of course what was supposed to be a quick well-wishing turned into an hour-long discussion about why I never call and how I should always use condoms and, God damn it, why does the dog always smell like shit and I don’t think your brother loves me, I must be a horrible mother.

I transcribed the following from our conversations while I’ve been at college. It’s not a single one-on-one, but rather the best of the best, compiled and arranged for your pleasure. Thank goodness I’m not living at home.

And yes, mom, I still love you. This one’s for you.

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Browsing the impressive display of dongs and dildos all arrayed against the wall, my eyes lit up and my cooch’s little heart leaped for joy. I already had a sex toy, and he pleased me just fine, but how can you not enjoy yourself in a candy store?

Good Vibrations is synonymous with pleasure in Berkeley, and it’s no surprise. It’s mecca for singles, couples and people who just want some pleasure. With a 10 percent discount for students, even your wallet can have an orgasm.

Most people share the belief that sex toys are for women. Men, well, they can make do with a hand and some lotion and maybe a vintage Jenna Jameson porn. Vibration? They don’t need no stinkin’ vibration.
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So you know how to bone, I assume. Most college kids know the basics, anyhow. But that’s not the problem.

The problem is finding someone with which to do it. Some students go years without jumping in the sack. Others decide to give in, admit it to themselves and advertise for sensual massages.

You, my friend, are better than that. You’ve got Craigslist on your side. Oh, and this column. We’re rooting for you, big boy.

I’m going to ensure you have the best summer ever, whether it’s your first summer as a grad or a summer of sin squished between various semesters of hell. You’re finally going to get some ass. You’re going to be fucked, not fucked over.
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