Carnal Embrace

We, the student body, take balls for granted. They’re not always going to be so perky, you know. One day they’re going to be hanging around your partner’s knees, and then you’ll wish you could still pretend they’re not even there.

Dearest Carrie Bradshaw of “Sex and the City” fame put in her two cents. She thought she had it all figured out, that “balls are to men what purses are to women. It’s just a little bag, but we’d feel naked in public without it.” For a while, I didn’t get it either. It’s more than a bag, but it took me a while to learn this.

My relationship with the family jewels started with my younger brother. Stop it. Don’t be gross—it wasn’t like that. We were fighters, not lovers, and that meant a swift kick and punch to the nads to liven things up. At one point, he started running away from me with his hands cupped over his crotch. I hope he won’t hate me when he finds out he can’t reproduce.
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Watching a rambunctious four year-old eat a giant chocolate sundae is not particularly sexy, but it is especially amusing. Sit across from a woman sucking on saucy, succulent ribs, however, and you might as well break out the fried chicken: It’s porno time.

Food and sex are exquisitely linked—there’s no doubt about that, girlfriend. But I’m wondering why exactly food makes our proverbial skinny jeans a little tighter. We already know all about whipped cream, aphrodisiacs and getting frisky with vegetables (one would hope). Right now, though, you need to save the bananas for your cream pie and leave your hooha out of this. And please, no penis in the apple pie.

Dining is always a part of the traditional courting experience, especially in the beginning of a relationship and at the beginning of a date. It’s totally foreplay. Don’t tell me you don’t get the urge to bone right then and there on top of that greasy tabletop at Mel’s. You’ve got plenty of lube right at one hand (and a sweetass hamburger in the other).
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If there’s ever a time and place to be bisexual or bi-curious, college is it. And UC Berkeley is bi Mecca. Never before have I been around so many queer people in such a small space. Seriously. You guys are so gay.

I can understand why one would come out while at Berkeley. It’s the last step in the process of becoming completely isolated and introverted studyholics, caught up in our work and ourselves and our sex. Plus, all the gorgeous men are gay anyway.

Sexual orientation is a difficult conclusion. Horizontal is always best I find, but vertical (against a wall) has its benefits. OK, I kid. Upside-down is clearly the winner. Oh, I am so funny.

But now that you’re an adult, you’ve got to define yourself. Facebook says so. What’s it gonna be for you? Men, women or both?
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