Carnal Embrace

We all know that when we say “size doesn’t matter” that it’s a big, fat, ginormous lie. We’ve got breast implants, butt implants, penile implants, “all-natural herbal supplements,” push-up bras, water bras, padded bras, or an extra sock in the crotch to help things along. Now there’s one more thing you can supersize, but you won’t be getting any fries: your G-spot.

Of course, the latest in cosmetic surgery (for your vagina, no less) hails from Plastic Mecca. I’m talking Los Angeles. Who didn’t see that one coming?

So now along with worrying about having perfectly sculpted brows, the right shade of fake tan, a smooth and hairless poontang, and great orbs of mammary perk, I’ve got to ponder if my G-Spot is big enough? Fuck you. No really.

Dr. David Matlock (no, not that one) is convinced he’s found gynecology gold. I mean, it’s patent-pending. It must be good.

Here’s the underlying logic: if you can’t find the needle in the haystack, just make the needle larger. Presto chango! Now what the hell are we supposed to do with an extra-large needle?

The thing is, men tend not to even know where the G-spot is. People even deny its existence. Some women don’t even know. We need maps, diagrams, tutorials, hands-on experience! Please, no cooter injections. The only things going up there better be hard, at least two fingers’ width across, and sometimes vibrating.

But Dr. Matlock wants to help you. Hey, collagen works for lips — let’s add it all over! In the “G-shot” procedure, Matlock injects collagen directly into the vaginal wall. G marks the spot and he buries the treasure, producing “a G-Spot about the size of a ‘quarter’ in diameter with an internal projection of about 3-5 mm.” He figures that the bigger it is, the easier dear Grafenberg will be located and stimulated. The whole shebang lasts four months, and then he’ll penetrate you again. With his needle. Dick.

Matlock’s site claims that “87% of women reported enhanced sexual arousal/gratification” after the G-shot procedure. But one sex blogger reports that “the makers of the G-shot did their studies on women who were already visiting a vaginal rejuvination [sic] clinic, and that 87% of the women who got the shot didn’t know what their g-spots were before taking part in the study.” So much for revolutionizing the vagina, Matlock. Go back to law.

Let’s step away for a moment. No needles, no collagen. Just you and me. How you feeling, baby? Ready to find your G-spot with me? I can, how do you say, pump up the volume.

You don’t need collagen to make your precious plump. Use your fingers and add a little love (or loving, either one). Start with one finger and slide it home. Comfortable? It sure is warm and cozy. I like what you’ve done with the place. Personally, I like to use my middle finger ‘cause it’s the longest, but length is not necessary here. Your G-spot is only one to two inches up your love canal, but every vag is different. Placing the pad of your fingertip against the vaginal wall (as if you’re trying to reach your belly button), you’ll notice the texture is different. There’s a round area, about a nickel to a quarter in size, that feels like a spongy and wet walnut. That’s your sweet nut, hun.

As you let your fingers do the talking, your sweet nut will swell with joy. Rubbing it or just adding pressure will work. Or get someone to lend you a hand. One of my favorite flings surprised my little G with a smooth move. He slipped his thumb in my pussy, knuckle against love-knuckle. I give it one thumb up. (The other was busy.)

Focus on Graf during sex. Screw like dogs. The head of his cock (or the tip of her dildo) will be barking up your tree all night long, and it won’t be missing any of your love knot. If baby’s got a curved dick, put it to good use. Do a little body maneuvering and get his curve next to yours. Look, ma, no injection!

If you’re an old pro at this, you can find a toy specially designed for the o-m-G. As usual, Good Vibes has got you covered. However, all women, regardless of sexual experience and knowledge, will continue to be surprised by their G-spots. They’re very powerful and capable of giving you ladies the pleasure you deserve. Respect it, don’t inject it.