Carnal Embrace

I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions. I never keep them (even for just a week) and they are always the same: lose weight. Yeah, that’s pretty much been all of them.

But sexual resolutions? I can keep those. I want to keep those. We can help each other, lend a hand or two, perhaps a penis if things are really looking good. (You’ll have to supply that last one — I’m clean out.)

Let’s ring in the new year with seven resolutions for 2007. Then you can ring my bell. Ding a ling a lingus.

1. Have more sex. However you define sex, whether it’s penetration, oral stimulation, or anything that’ll make you come — do it. A lot. I’m not just saying this to get more people out there for me to shag. It’s for your benefit, too. Sex, especially if you’re on top, is exercise: you’ll get your endorphins and weight loss from a little extra happy time. Your heart will get stronger from all that passion; your body will be more limber. Blast depression away and arm yourself with increased immunity. And most importantly, make yourself feel good. Don’t shy away from more pleasure! Embrace it. . . carnally.

2. Have safer sex. Condoms are indeed your best friend as a college student. Develop a strong, trusting relationship with them. It’s worth it. Use them every time you have sex, especially vaginal or anal penetration. As for oral, well, I know that’s a losing battle. No one I know uses condoms for oral (or wants to). Practice safer oral methods. I’m not talking less teeth, though that’s another good thing to work on. I mean: know who you’re going down on. Really know them. Know if they’re clean, know when they’ve been tested last, and know that you can trust them. Don’t give head if you’ve got cuts or sores in your mouth. Don’t accept head if your passion fruit ain’t feeling peachy keen. I know it’s head (ahh heaven), but don’t be selfish if you know you are infected.

3. Get tested. In an ideal world we would all get tested after every new partner. In an ideal world there wouldn’t be a need to get tested. Make it a priority to keep yourself informed about yourself. Twice a year is a good start, though you may need more frequency than that if you have a lot of casual sex. Screening for STI’s is an important step in prevention as most people unknowingly spread their sexually transmitted infections. Keep away from cooties, and make sure they keep away from you. There are a few free clinics around the Berkeley area, including the Berkeley Free Clinic and the Berkeley City Public Health Clinic. Planned Parenthood is always an option - there’s two in Oakland and two in San Francisco and two in Richmond. You know, I’m really not allowing you any excuses here. And there shouldn’t be any excuses, especially for women, who are more susceptible to contracting STI’s (the vagina is more easily infected than the penis) and show less symptoms. It’s imperative that the ladies get screened. This does not mean the boys get off scot-free — you, too, are not 100% safe from STI’s.

4. Buy yourself a toy. And I don’t mean a teddy bear (unless it’s a vibrating teddy bear). Find a sex toy that makes you scream with delight — not pain — and you won’t be leaving your room for a very long time. Visit a friendly sex store (like Good Vibrations for NorCal, Babeland for SoCal) and meet the new love in your life. It’s safe, it’s fun, and it’s all you, baby.

5. Be more adventurous. Take that new sex toy and bring it into the bedroom. Try a cockring (all penises should vibrate, really), a sex swing, handcuffs (lined with fur for your partner’s comfort), edible body paint, vibrators, dildos, strap-ons. . . anything really! Sex doesn’t need to be dull. Change it up with location, position, or — hell! — even people. Play for the other team for a while if you feel like it. It’s college. If you’re not going to go crazy and experiment now, how are you going to have any good college stories for your buddies back home? Make your life more exciting, starting right there in your pants.

6. Bring back the romance. Or simply bring it. Being adventurous doesn’t mean you have to drop love. (Okay, so maybe there’s not much room for love in a 10-person orgy.) If you readers have steady partners, let them know they’re appreciated and respected, that you care for them. Take them out for an intimate dinner in the city, in the Elmwood area of Berkeley, or the Rockridge neighborhood of Oakland. If you’re single, stop hitting on half-passed-out girls at frat parties and start dating the hotties in your classes. You’ll have a much better chance of not getting puked on. Now that’s romantic.

7. Know thyself. And I mean it in the biblical sense. Take in whatever’s down there. Know how you look, and find something that you like (all of it, perhaps?). If you’re going to share your body with other people, you need to be comfortable in your skin and with your own sex. Look after it, pamper it, and show it a good time. This is your year. Let your down-under thunder.