Carnal Embrace

There comes a time in your years as a college student in which you just need to be alone. You need to be by yourself; you need to be left to your own devices. You, my friend, need to masturbate.

You also have a roommate who refuses to leave the room. You know there’s bound to be some coming and going in your room, and you’re not the one who’s going.

Men, for the most part, understand this. Masturbation is one of the necessities for sustaining life, along with food, water (often replaced with beer), possibly shelter, and sex with a partner, for the lucky ones. I’ll bet you that even Captain Hook found some way to –ahem– scrub his deck.

(more…)

He had his finger up my ass. Actually, I wasn’t quite sure where it was. I hadn’t been expecting it. Wait, yes, that was indeed his finger. And that was definitely my ass.

Let me backtrack a bit. There was more to it than the rectal massage. I couldn’t believe it, but someone was seriously using the shocker on me. You know, “two in the pink and one in the stink”? Yeah, that one.

I wasn’t happy about it. I should have registered some sort of complaint, but what’s a polite bed-partner to do? It didn’t really call for a protest on Sproul Plaza. Perhaps a letter?

“Dear sir, I regret to inform you that your application into my anus has been rejected. Kindly remove your little-most finger from that area at the earliest possible moment. Best wishes, Christine.”
(more…)

By now, we should all know what sex is. I mean, it’s college. What else are you supposed to do in the Main Stacks? Study? (Only if it’s anatomy.)

I did a little (partially intoxicated) survey with a few of my fellow students to get a consensus on the definition of sex. It’s a bit confusing after all. As a child, I remember looking up all the “dirty” words in my mom’s Oxford English Dictionary. Sex was simply “intercourse.” What the hell is that? A cop-out, Oxford.

Without fail, all the straight males I quizzed told me sex means intercourse. Thanks, real informative. I had to coax it out of them; somewhere, I knew, there was more to sex. There had to be. I don’t have intercourse. I have sex and I fuck. Intercourse ain’t on the menu.

So we clarified. (more…)

So there I was, my guy friend lying face-down across my legs and my hands touching and rubbing and squeezing his ass. And spanking. How could I forget spanking?

I was spanking my friend. Not friend with benefits. Not fuck-buddy. A plain ol’ platonic friend. The boring type.

He was enjoying it, too. He moaned with each spank, especially for the stinging ones, and asked for it harder. I was hoping his ass would get sore and then it’d be my turn. Baby’s been a bad, bad girl. Very naughty. And she, too, needs a spanking.

And since when did guys like — let alone beg for — spanking? Okay, so I’m forgetting some homoerotic fraternity practices, but that’s beside the point. I’m just pissed I didn’t get spanked.
(more…)

We all know that when we say “size doesn’t matter” that it’s a big, fat, ginormous lie. We’ve got breast implants, butt implants, penile implants, “all-natural herbal supplements,” push-up bras, water bras, padded bras, or an extra sock in the crotch to help things along. Now there’s one more thing you can supersize, but you won’t be getting any fries: your G-spot.

Of course, the latest in cosmetic surgery (for your vagina, no less) hails from Plastic Mecca. I’m talking Los Angeles. Who didn’t see that one coming?

So now along with worrying about having perfectly sculpted brows, the right shade of fake tan, a smooth and hairless poontang, and great orbs of mammary perk, I’ve got to ponder if my G-Spot is big enough? Fuck you. No really. (more…)

I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions. I never keep them (even for just a week) and they are always the same: lose weight. Yeah, that’s pretty much been all of them.

But sexual resolutions? I can keep those. I want to keep those. We can help each other, lend a hand or two, perhaps a penis if things are really looking good. (You’ll have to supply that last one — I’m clean out.)

Let’s ring in the new year with seven resolutions for 2007. Then you can ring my bell. Ding a ling a lingus.

1. Have more sex. However you define sex, whether it’s penetration, oral stimulation, or anything that’ll make you come — do it. A lot. I’m not just saying this to get more people out there for me to shag. It’s for your benefit, too. (more…)