Carnal Embrace

‘Tis the season to give, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to forget about getting some ass. Give your love-interest (your long-term partner, your fuckbuddy, or even your crush) a little somethin’ somethin’ to remember you by. . . and you may soon find yourself on the receiving end. Hopefully you’ll be receiving some pleasure rather than a fruitcake, but that’s really out of my hands.

The holidays are all about family, but you musn’t forget lovers either. C’mon, the cold weather, a warm fireplace, cuddled up on the couch, watching that claymation Rudolph movie — that gets me randy. It’s time for some holiday cheer.

Hanukkah’s just about done and Winter Solstice is long past, but that still leaves us Festivus (today!), Kwanzaa, and Christmas. It’s time to get busy.

You know that every boy and girl wants an iPod, but your little angel has been very naughty this year. I know the perfect gift, and it’s much better than a lump of coal.

Try the OhMiBod.

The iBod is slightly silly, but very intriguing. Hook it up to a MP3 player or a CD player and it’ll vibrate to the music. Punish that bad, bad girl: cue the heavy metal, crank up the volume, and let her really feel some wild vibrations. Rock on.

If you want to get your partners something less kitschy, go for the classic. Get them some ties. Seriously. I’m not talking bondage either (well maybe a little bit): restraints are sexy, too, but ties are deceptively safe. And that’s hot. For a guy or gal, a tie (silk, please!) is a sophisticated touch to most outfits. Just wait, though, until you get home — then it’s no holds barred, literally. Forget the balls and take him by the tie. Yank ‘im around a bit; get ready to have him your way. The clothes’ll come off, but the tie stays. Blindfold him and ravish him — the loss of one sense will heighten the others, namely hearing and feeling. Or go the bondage route: wrap the tie around his wrists and fasten it to a bed post. He’ll have to manage your business tonight.

Or is business not so good these days? If you’re low on cash, the situation calls for role-play. Pick up a Santa hat or a Miss Claus skirt and you’re good to go. I’ll let your imagination run with this one. If you’re having trouble thinking of some sexy scenarios, however, take a break by sitting on Santa’s lap and see what pops up. No, that’s not a candy cane in his pocket. . . or maybe it is.

Set aside some time for all your loved ones during the holiday season, but don’t forget about yourself. Stuff yourself silly and feast yourself on your partner’s goodies. Bring some crisp, refreshing cool air into the bedroom: tease her with an ice cube and please him with a mint. Place some ice in your mouth and trace around her sensitive nipples. Trail your way down her tummy to her hot spot. Ice on her clit may be a bit too much, but use what you have left along her inner thighs and labia. Now you’ll have an excuse to make her warm. However, you’ll want to keep the ice away from the guys. (There’s a little problem of shrinkage.) Have a mint instead — you probably need one, stink-o. Some guys get more of a sensation from a minty, curiously strong BJ. You can either mint it up before you suck it up, or you can let the mint dissolve against his cock inside your mouth. In both cases, make sure that your partner’s comfortable. Nether regions should not be painfully tingly or numb — that’s neither naughty nor nice.

The holiday season and sex go hand in hand. Both thrive on reciprocity: you give in hopes of getting. Be generous, then, in terms of sex, intimacy, compassion, and yes, even material possessions. It’s a bit last-minute to go present-shopping now, but there’s always a quick fix. Guys, get your lover a gift that’s priceless and personal.

It’s a dick in a box.