Carnal Embrace

“Hand jobs are a man’s job,” said one guy on the topic of sexual dexterity. Girls, quite frankly, just kinda suck at them. And not in a good way (Then it’s no longer a HJ, you see?)

Now I’m not saying the hand job is obsolete or that it should be utterly ignored. Moderation, people — you know that guy is already jerking it twice a day. He probably doesn’t need another yank on his tool (though I’m sure he’d like something else on his screwdriver.)

There is an appropriate time for a hand job, and it exists after making out and before any other type of sex. Well, okay, if you’re part of the small percentage of women who can actually pull one off without damaging your partner’s little guy then you could perhaps make a day of it. Generally speaking, though, the hand job can only really function as a segue into something better (and less tedious).

I see you insisting on a little manual on his spaniel. Calm down, sex pot. There’s one rule to follow, okay? One absolute law, never to be broken. You ready for it?

LUBRICATION. If you’re going to do it, lube it. (Spit can work in a pinch, but actual Astroglide or KY is preferred.)

A dry hand job is a painful ordeal. Remember how fun Slip ‘N Slides were when you were a kid? Recreate that experience on his cock. Get a dollop of lube on your hands and get to work, honey. It’s not called a job for nothing.

Every hand job is different. After I finished working on one guy, he exclaimed, “I can’t believe I came from a hand job. That was the best one I’ve had.” A few months later, getting busy with another dude, my style wasn’t so hot. He went limp in my hand. “Why do girls suck so much at this?” he huffed. The penis, I’ve learned, is a mighty fussy character sometimes.

There’s a basic technique to start with — then you can soup it up with extras for a specific guy’s rod. First, get the grasp right. You may have heard about a G.I.-Joe-kung-fu grip. It is also called a death grip. You’re not trying to choke him, ‘kay? Relax — you want it firm and controlled. Some guys like a whole fist around their wood; others only need a two-finger ring. If you’re unsure, take him in your hand and tell him, “Show me how you want it” and let him guide your hand.

My favorite twist to a hand job is finding a way to segue to oral (sorry, couldn’t resist, big boy). Get up-close and eye-to-eye with your boy’s manhood. Continue beating him off and then surprise him with a extra-special hello. . . to his balls. Suck them, lick them, swirl ‘em around. Don’t be shy — they sure are tasty. And if you’ve used flavored lube for the hand job, then oral would be pretty appetizing once your hand gets tired (or even both your hands — ambis represent! Raise the roof. . . with both hands).

Please, ladies, don’t rely solely on wanking to get the job done (unless you are absolutely positive you are the Queen of HJ’s). Trying your luck with a dubious HJ will leave you sadly emptyhanded and your fella with an unsatisfied, painful prick. Move onto something more productive, like tittyfucking, humping, plain ol’ fucking, or arts and crafts. (What? Basketweaving is so hot right now.)

Don’t, however, feel that because you merely touched his tadger that you’ve got to finish the job. Laying your fine fingers on his bold bone does not mean you are obligated to get him off in some way, shape, or form. If his blue balls are really that bad, he can just finish himself off (and it’ll be over much faster). If he’s already made you come, though, it’s good bed-manners to return the favor. Tit for tat, baby.

So you still want to know how to deliver the perfect beat? You’ve just got to experiment with that one. You can twist while you stroke, create a two-hand tunnel, or use your thumb to rub the head of his cock. Try it fast and loose or slow and exaggerated. Better yet — my favorite — stroke and suck. Perhaps get a friend to help you out. HOTT, yes, with a double-T.

Planning on lending your boytoy a little helping hand to ease the stress? Let him lend you a little guidance. Don’t make him cringe at the sight of your sandpaper hands, out for another case of chafing this week. Lube it up and change it up or else it’s not gonna stay up. At least not for you.