Carnal Embrace

The bedroom is a magical place. Your penis becomes a big fucking cock. Your vagina becomes a sweet pussy or (if you want it hard) an eager cunt. We’re getting down and dirty, and I kinda like it. (As usual.)

Remember way back when I said the mind is an erogenous zone? Well, now’s your chance to listen talk it up. I want to hear your sexiest in-the-sack sweet nothings. What’s that? (Pussy)cat got your tongue?

I thought so. Talking dirty can be incredibly sexy, but so many people don’t know how to do it or feel uncomfortable doing it. Case in point: I’m minding my own business on AIM when an old flame IMs me. “I’m talking to this girl online and I need to talk dirty to her. Can you send me some naughty talk you’d like to hear?” For you, no. But for my readers, oh yes yes YES!

Start simple, honey. Here’s an easy one: “Oh yeah, Salma Hayek, that feels so good!” (I can dream, right?) Use your partner’s name. Moan it. Tell your bed-mate what’s working for you. And of course let him or her know that’s the spot, oh yea, oh oh, oh my God, that’s it it, uh-huh, uh! uh! uh! I’m coming!

But don’t quote me on that one.

Talking dirty doesn’t have to be during your bump and grind, either. Your mouth doesn’t even need to touch her to turn her on. Don’t be sleazy with it — sleazy is not sexy. Instead of telling your buxom babe she’s got a great set of melons, say that you love her body, that her curves turn you on. And mean it, buster. Acting is for the stage.

Hetero girls, I’ll let you in on a little secret: guys love it when you shower their dicks with compliments. They’ll remember every word. As you pull down his boxers (though I prefer boxer-briefs — make note of that, boys), focus on the positives. Has he trimmed? “Ooh, I like what you’ve done with the place,” you can announce, with a mischievous smile and a twinkle in your eyes. Comment on size, though don’t be fake. If he’s small, don’t tell him he’s huge. . . but he may be “just the right size.” Of course, if he has a monster in his pants it’s almost obligatory to squeal “Oh! So big!”

You’ve got to remember, though, that not everyone likes dirty talk. Sometimes the dirtiest “talk” you have with your partner isn’t even coherent, recognizable words. Grunts, moans, and exclamations can get ridiculously heated. . . and hot. Think loud and vocal caveman-sex, but without clubbing your woman and dragging her back by her hair (unless it’s consensual and you are into that sort of thing). Moments of passion will naturally elicit some sort of sound. And dear couple, couple, on the bed, those sounds will be the sexiest of them all.

On the other hand, there’s a weird power dynamic when the act of talking is forced and not “natural.” When partners demand some sort of verbal commentary, it’s as if they want an uneasy submission (or even glorification). “Tell me what you like about my cock,” one guy ordered me. I wasn’t even digging that dick, let alone the penis attached to it. “Um. Well, it’s hard,” I replied (and gave him no more). I knew what he was looking for; he wanted to be praised and worshipped, to garner domination and power. Please, save that for the S&M dungeon.

Do what feels natural. If you want to tell her that her tits look great as she slides up and down your dick or that her pussy tastes like heaven, do not hesitate. Especially with the latter. (All pussies should taste like heaven.) Don’t amass a collection of dirty comments like some sort of pervy creep wielding pick-up lines. That’s just sad. And the best recipe for disaster I’ve ever heard.

Do make sure your partner is comfortable with talking dirty. It’s kinda like the light issue while having sex. Some people can screw with the light on or off, and some people need to have it off. It’s all about comfort and how much of yourself you’re willing to expose. Of course, you’re (presumably) naked so you’re pretty much all the way there.

Moreover, don’t copy pornos. There’s a reason why a triple-X flick has never won the Oscar for Best Screenplay. The dialogue sucks. Hardcore. Something personalized and from the seat of your own passions will work far better than anything duplicated from the movies. You should know better by now.

Communication is key for sexual partners, but talking dirty. . . not so much. Use it at your discretion. Know when to shut the fuck up and just enjoy the plain and simple fuck.