Carnal Embrace

You know why they call the regular man-on-top position “missionary”? Because it’s so damn boring. Well, at least after a while. Any position, when held for too long, can get tedious. You need to switch it up.

Read up on the Kama Sutra and learn how to stick your vajra in her lotus every which way. Can you say “Ohm yea?”

Or just participate in your own trial-and-error (and hopefully more trying than erring). Grab your partner, do-si-do, and be anything but squares in your bedroom dance. Extreme flexibility is not necessary — there are plenty of positions you can try that won’t throw out your back, dear thrustaholic.

Or let me tell you all about different positions. We’ll make it a little game of show and tell. I like that. It makes memories of kindergarten feel so very naughty. For PC purpose, I’m going to do away with the “male” and “female” partners. For today, kiddos, we’re going to have the penetrator (the one with the penis or dildo) and the penetrated (the one receiving the penis or dildo). Top and bottom will get too confusing with our array of bedroom gymnastics.

I might as well start with missionary. I don’t really hate it. It’s just that it cannot and should not be the only sexual position you try. Missionary has its benefits. With the penetrated lying down, face up, and the penetrator on top, it provides a lot of intimacy and face time. With slow and deep thrusts, missionary can be incredibly romantic and sensitive. Lift up the penetrated’s legs and the penetrator will get full control and more depth. Then you move on.

Doggy style seems to be popular among most young men. I can’t really explain that one. Is it the ass? Maybe there’s a problem with your face. Either way, doggy style is doggone fun (most of the time). The penetrated gets on all fours and the penetrator moseys around to the back and enters from behind. Large hips are a plus for the penetrated — they’re like handlebars only totally cooler. But you know what’s not cool? Big dicks. Completely serious. The longer the penetrator is, the more uncomfortable it is for a female penetrated. Your ten-foot pole hits against the cervix, and (at least for me) my cervix won’t have any of it. Though for shorties (and I’m not talking body height here), doggy style is supreme. Push the penetrated into a fully reclined, face-down position and you’ll find yourself even further home. Ah, so nice and cozy, no?

Then there’s the cowgirl (or boy, I don’t hate!) position for y’all. In its most basic form, the penetrator lies down, face up, and the penetrated sits atop, facing either the other partner or the other partner’s toes. The best parts about cowgirl are that the penetrated gets to control the thrusts and that there are so many variations available. You can lie down, sit up, use a chair, or manipulate the edge of the bed. Whatever works, really. The best cowgirl experience I ever had was one helluva ride. My boytoy sat down in the chair and I climbed aboard, facing him. We had pushed the chair against a bunk bed and then we boinked like ravenous monkeys. I rooted my feet squarely against the lower bed frame and pushed off for the strength of my thrusts. To control the depth, I clung to the top bed frame like a wild primate and guided the rest of my body to some crazy sex. He sat back and nibbled on my coconuts. I call it the Christine position. (Feel free to use it, my holiday gift to you. You’re welcome.)

But if swinging like gibbons ain’t for you, try being a spoon. Spooning sex is incredibly intimate but without the awkwardness of staring at your partner the whole time. Lying on the side, the penetrated becomes the little spoon. The penetrator comes up behind and fits around, thus assuming the big spoon role. Slippage can be a problem. So are little dicks. Spooning is not friendly to either. But if your tool is a perfect fit, make spooning work for you. It can be gentle and warm and fuzzy, or it can be a rough and tough rumble. (P.S. I prefer the latter. Just in case you were curious.) Utilize your opportunities: the penetrated’s neck is stretched and exposed, perfect for licking, nibbling, and kissing. Try snaking your hands over your partner’s chest and side. An all-over touch can really send someone over the edge.

Oh man. There are so many more positions. I’m not really doing the whole sex thing justice. Just promise me something, okay? Don’t go buy a position of the day calendar, don’t watch porn for ideas. No, neither of those will work. Here’s what you do: google “wheelbarrow position.” There, I’ve even made it easy for you. Now do it.

You’re welcome. Again.