Carnal Embrace

We know all about a straight man’s ultimate fantasy. We don’t even need to stop and think. It’s double the pleasure: four boobs, four hands, two punanis, two asses, two sets of mouths, and almost too much libido for him to handle. Two dames at the same time, both eager to attend to him.

I demand equal opportunity. Doesn’t it make more sense for me, a woman, to have two guys? After all, I’ve got a hole, a hand, and a boob for each man. I thought guys were supposed to be better at math. Guess not.

The threesome is no longer the straight man’s fantasy. I’m reclaiming it. Threesomes for all: queer, straight, man, woman. We all want double the attention.

But most people don’t ever get beyond the fantasy stage. And if they ever do see their threesome become a reality, they go about it all wrong. It makes me sad, really. Why must you ruin your sexual sandwich? In the end, you, the big hunka cheese, are going to stand alone.

Before you come in your pants thinking about that imminent ménage à trois, heed some well-meaning advice. I’m gonna impart some wisdom your momma never had. (Or maybe she did, saucy minx!)

First, if you’re already in a relationship, a threesome is not going to do much good. Spicing up your sex life may help rekindle a dull long-term relationship, but adding a new person to the bedroom will just make it crowded. Using a threesome to fix a relationship is like putting a bandaid over a broken watch. No, wait a minute. It’s like putting a pussy over a broken watch. Sure, it’ll look good for a bit, but the pussy just ain’t working. (And if you don’t look after it, the pussy’ll leave and you’ll be left with a broken watch that smells of pussy. Kinda gross.)

The only way a threesome could work in a relationship is if the relationship is already strong. Both partners must be trusting and must definitely not be jealous-types. In a hetero-relationship, the woman should choose the extra partner if they want M-F-F, or the man should choose if they want M-M-F. In queer relationships, both partners should decide together. In either case, partners should veto the unattractive and the too-close-for-comfort. The third partner should NOT be a close friend. Then things get weird, and not in a fun, freaky and kinky, let’s-dress-up-as-teddy-bears-and-hump kind of way.

Actually, three-way-fucking works best among strangers. I’m not advocating picking up anyone off the streets. (In Berkeley you’ll probably end up with rank bums, and I don’t mean juicy ass, unless you like that sort of thing.) In fact, some guys have a hard enough time picking up one chick, let alone two.

So let me clarify: by “strangers” I mean people you are not dating. Fuck buddies are excellent resources. Have a nice little chat with your most adventurous fuck buddy (assuming you have an array of them — I know you do, sexmuffin!). Go beyond the few words you do share with him or her — the “fuck me now” and “I’m almost there” — and try slipping in “how’s about another pair of hands?”

You’ve got to be prepared though. Healthy sex functions on the rule of reciprocity. If you want your girl and another, be ready for her order of a man sandwich, extra meat. If you’re not willing to return the favor, you’ll have a tough time making your fantasy come true. You may be left with nothing but a little ménage à moi time. Alone. Cold. And hungry, oh so hungry.

However, there are still those fairy-tale stories. A guy walks into a bar, tries to pick up one chick, and ends up with her and her friend two hours later. (I swear on my left tit it’s true). Or, my favorite: a girl arranges for a fuck date with her most recent fling. Four hours and a few hundred miles later, he shows up with another guy, all too eager to meet this feisty vixen. Come to mama.

My final advice? Be safe and try not to hurt anyone. Threesomes should be about extra pleasure, not hurting your partners by making them jealous. Everyone should be a willing participant, and if there’s any problem, you need to know when to stop. Also, with the extra partner in bed, take every precaution to prevent spreading STIs. Protection is sexy and necessary.

Now’s the time to pursue that threesome you’ve always wanted. Sex is incredibly available in college; hormones run wild and everyone needs a good screw now and then (preferably now). Scan the bars and surf through Craigslist if you dare. That extra special-someone is out there, somewhere. Especially on those extra-creepy “dating” sites.