Ah, the elusive orgasm. It’s so frustrating when you just can’t get it right. You’re down there for what seems like days, thrusting and pumping and fiddling and pulling. It’s as if you’re waiting for Godot, but I’m pretty sure an orgasm is more welcome than he will ever be.
I’ve been in that boat before. Well, it was a car. There we were, getting each other off. It was my turn to ride the climax coaster. The coaster broke down. I started to feel bad. Poor guy, he’s been at it for . . . what? 30 minutes? The climax wasn’t going to come — I wasn’t going to come — so I faked the coming. I always make it my business to come.
When you’re by yourself though (or even with a partner), faking doesn’t solve your need for sexual release. You need to real deal, that great O that accompanies “___ my god,” “___ shit,” “___ Fred, sorry, Jack,” and the “___ shit” again.
A little while ago, someone left a blog comment, someone in pursuit of her orgasm. She writes:
i have tried many things: males, masturbating, googling “female orgasm”,
etc. to no avail. i just get bored. am i just anatomically challenged? what should i
try? any vibrators that are “sure things”?
The sure thing is to simmer down, sexpot. All this pressure on your cooter isn’t going to help your situation. It’s time to sit down and chat.
“Dear Vagina.
Your happiness makes me happy. Let’s be friends. I promise I will stop harrassing you with my anxiety.
Love, Me”
The best way to find your orgasm is by yourself. Who knows you better than, well, you? I do suggest you go back to masturbating, but not with any orgasmic goal. Play with yourself and note what feels good, which parts are sensitive. Do you prefer clitoral or g-spot stimulation?
Once you know what you like, then you can progress to any toys, if need be. Go ahead and be a little freaky minx when you go into the nearest sex shop. Buy some warming lube and some “Her Pleasure” condoms (if you want to get a dildo). Are you intellectually or visually stimulated? Pick up some erotica or porn. I suggest Jenna Jameson Is the Massuese . . . though I can’t say I’ve ever seen it with the full dialogue — I just skip to the good parts. If you do get a toy (which is not necessarily recommended), make sure you have a salesperson help you buy the best one for you. You need something simple, something small, and something that you find appealing.
Go back home and treat yourself to a one-person date. Dress comfortably, but wear a special pair of panties. Order in from your favorite restaurant or seduce your tastebuds with your own fine cooking. Have a glass of wine or a cuppa tea. You need to get into the right mindset. No stress.
Run a bath, add some oils, light some candles. Find your orgasm in the tub. Remember what you liked last time you touched yourself? Do it again, mixing it up when your libido stops responding. When you feel like you’re close, repeat, repeat, repeat. Don’t think about your goal — let it come organically (your vagina doesn’t like to be forced, mind you).
If masturbating doesn’t work, you’ll need to find a partner who’s selfless and open to communication. Actually, things would be better if you were bi or lesbian — a woman is more likely to understand another woman’s body and stimulation. Guys all too often ask, “Did you come?,” completely missing the triple toe-curling orgasm she had 2 minutes before they finished.
Get some head from your partner. Many women cannot orgasm from penetration alone because they get off clitoral stimulation. The combination of hot breath, glistening wetness (from you and him), and fingers and tongue may just be the thing to set you off. Let him know what feels good for you. Guide him, and watch how your pleasures intermingle, feeding off the other.
Most of all, you need encouragement. Not necessarily a cheering section shouting, “Let’s get o-o-ffff!” More like a sex-positive community and a sex-positive mind. Talk to your girl friends. Get personal with them.
And if you all get drunk and have a massive lesbian orgy AND finally meet your O-mighty, even better. All good stories end that way. Trust me.
I think women concentrate too much on faking orgasms to try to please their partners. I can understand how it’s kinda pressuring, just to keep the guy’s self-esteem up.
I think people should stop relating a guy’s size or ability directly to a woman’s orgasm. I’m sure it’s somewhat of a factor, but I’m sure a big part of it is the mentality of the woman as well. Maybe she’s not completely comfortable, or maybe she’s too focused on having the orgasm?
Maybe drunk sex really is the answer. It’ll probably loosen girls up and let them relax.
O yeah, I don’t really find it easy to masturbate. I really suck at it. I’ve tried a couple of times but I get so bored that I stop. I’m sure I can do better if I did more research, but I’m far too lazy and not committed enough.
And I’m sure selfish guys may be the worst “performers” when it comes to sex. Technique may also be a big part, but if you really think about it, selfishness is the biggest setback to any sort of real life situation involving multiple people.
~Emiko
Comment by Emiko — November 23, 2006 @ 6:34 pm
Yes the female organism is a mythical beast- kinda like Bigfoot. From a male perspective, you never know if you caught a glimpse of it or if it was all a charade.
That’s why I’ve stopped caring so much about having my partner reach an organism. There is only so much that I can do. I’d rather not have her fake it to please me. That turns me off. It’s deceptive and ruins intimacy in my opinion.
I think that my job is to make sure that she has a really good and pleasure time with organism or without organism. I’m not the master of her body and I can only try so much. If she doesn’t know her own body, how does she expect me to know how to do it the right way? What can I do if she doesn’t know herself?
Comment by Nathan — November 24, 2006 @ 11:55 pm
I do hope you mean “orgasm” everytime you write “organism”, right nathan?
Comment by anonymous — November 27, 2006 @ 1:49 pm
Faking orgasms is SO not cool.
Comment by Anon — November 29, 2006 @ 2:36 pm
Anon, I agree. Neither is it fun.
Comment by Administrator — November 29, 2006 @ 2:41 pm
I sometimes go through phases where I am unable to give myself an orgasm. Other times, I get off in 20 seconds. My inability sometimes stems from hormones..sometimes I don’t feel sexy enough to turn myself on. Sometimes there’s little I can do to get myself off, no matter how much I really want it. One little trick I have is to listen to myself moan. I start rubbing myself (i’m a clitoral girl, myself) and then start moaning deepy, no matter how plain-jane it actually feels. The act of hearing myself “turned on” turns me on! It may not work for everybody…i’m quite a narcissist…but give it a go!
Comment by Anonymous — December 2, 2006 @ 5:34 pm
I really disagree with the drink to feel loosened up comment. People need to find ways to love their body, know their body and make their body feel fabulous! I feel like alcohol disconnects you from really feeling your body. Baths never really did the trick for me. I enjoy the solitude and the relaxation, but am not able to stimulate myself all that well under water. I think a great option is to get some KY warming gel and a pocket rocket, specially one with a clit tickler. My first orgasm came late in life, but it opened up the doors to self-satisfaction. It wasn’t as though I had never masterbated, I just didn’t reach the amazing sensation of my body electrified with sweet contractions. I was in my dorm room, playing my favorite music and I made myself so hot, aroused and orgasmic. If you join the clit tickler vibe club, remember that sometimes indirect clit stimuli is better. The sides feel pretty awesome. The pubic bone is another erogenous zone that some women enjoy. They have vibrators specifically made for that, too.
Comment by sexylady — December 2, 2006 @ 9:39 pm
It is not cool to believe that women who do not orgasm do not know their bodies.. like others have said.. it is harder for a woman to climax and the ability to climax depends on lots of things… anatomy, hormones.. etc… reaching an orgasm alone is different from reaching it with your parter
Comment by anonymous — December 4, 2006 @ 5:44 pm