How much is too much? How many sexual partners? Ten? Thirty? Just one?
I’ve met people — OK, guys (many girls are reluctant to talk honestly and specifically about their sexual partners) — with various amounts of sexual partners. There was one man in particular who said he didn’t keep track, but when he had to come up with a number, he estimated a hundred or so.
ONE HUNDRED?! I must admit that even I was grossed out.
Then there are those other guys. They are smart, articulate, sexy, and confident. What’s their number? Zero. Nil. Zilch.
Don’t ask. I don’t get it either.
When it comes down to the number of sexual partners, many people worry about that dreaded point, the point of no return - that number at which they have officially become too promiscuous, dirty, unlovable. The metaphorical used, battered, past-its-prime village bicycle with its handlebars bent, the lumpy seat eroded, and one wheel sans tire. That will be you.
Like so.
Asking around for a general consensus, I found that there was none. There is no one set “dirty” number that Berkeley people can agree upon. So does this mean you should fuck, fuck, fuck away?
Not necessarily. Your number is personal, and only you can really determine the issue of too much. Too much does not equal X number. Too much is when you are ashamed to admit exactly how much - to your future partners, your doctor, and yourself. When you feel you have to lie about it to make yourself look and feel better, that is when you have come across a problem.
Sure, people with different sexual politics and society in general may judge your number, but you gotta admit they’re probably just jealous of all that juicy ass you’ve been getting. Some people, especially those looking for a spouse, want their partners to be “pure.” They want virgins. Now this ties into a religious matter, which is a whole other issue (and therefore I won’t go into at this point), but if someone you want to marry/date/hook up with/shag utterly braindead rotten makes you feel dirty for enjoying sex, fuck ‘em. Though not literally. Why allow someone to demean your safe and healthy sexuality? It’s not worth it. And the sex will suck.
As long as you practice safer sex and you get tested every once in a while, your number don’t mean diddly squat. Like most numbers, it won’t tell you a whole helluva lot. Yeah, you can guess that a 32 probably didn’t have 32 serious relationships, but what about a 5? Was that 5 one-nighters or 5 serious, monogamous partners? A one-time orgy (you lucky dog)? Perhaps the 5 was less safe than the 32. Who knows?
People still like to know. They want to know if they’re “normal.” (Tell normal to fuck off and screw the crazies, that’s what I say.) OK, so you probably want some numbers anyway. Digging through the Daily Cal’s Sex on Tuesday archives, I found an informal (and not so trustworthy) sex survey. Fine, I’ll take what I can get. The column reported that, on average, sexually active Berkeley men have had 8.5 partners and their female peers have had 5.7.
Take that however you want, but the data don’t really satisfy me. There are people with various sexual lifestyles just on this Cal campus - an average doesn’t really help you understand much.
It’s all about quality (not quantity) after all. There are better questions we can ask. Do you always use protection? Have you and your partners been tested? Do you usually have sex when you’re drunk or high or both? These are more informative and will tell you how safe your potential partner tends to be.
Safe is sexy. Trust me on this one. Wrapping your meat and protecting your treat is a whole lot better than gonorrhea with a nice side of crabs. Oh, I’m getting wet already.
Ugh I’ve had none lol but I’m okay for with that for now…although I must admit when a guy says anything over 7 for partners, I wonder how safe he was, is he’s clean,if he just fucks anyone and if we were to get it on, would he care about me any more than he would about any other random girl that would let him slide into home.
Comment by Maria — November 7, 2006 @ 10:07 pm
welp, i’ve had 1 partner and i regret doing it with her. actually, she grabbed it and forced it in. i wasn’t even that hard so it was a lousy experience.
Comment by nic — November 7, 2006 @ 10:35 pm
I agree that quality matters more than quantity. I’ve met guys who have had lots and guys who have had none. It doesn’t matter to me who is “pure” or not. Sometimes I get disgusted by the numbers, but in the end, who am I to judge? It’s their lifestyle. But for my own sake, it’s better that I be careful and not leave up to them. Another excellent piece of writing my dear Christine.
Comment by shirls — November 7, 2006 @ 10:59 pm
Duffman agrees that quality matters over quantity. Duffman’s first time was with some girl that he met at a party and it was good. But once Duffman realized that she was actually not into him, he felt more like a “Duffmanwhore”. Perhaps it isn’t the number of sexual partners that you’ve had in total. Perhaps the numbers that really matter are the times when it was/wasn’t special to the both of you. OH YEAH!!!
Comment by Duffman — November 7, 2006 @ 11:24 pm
I’ve had none. Frankly, I just haven’t met a decent guy who I’m attracted to and who I can trust(Being attracted to guys who are taken … uhh… isn’t helping. .) I’m certainly not looking for “the one”. I’d just like to know that when we wake up next to each other, even if nothing happens afterwards in terms of a real relationship, we both know that it wasn’t just meaningless sex.
Comment by Anonymous — November 8, 2006 @ 12:25 am
I don’t know what to say, in my opionion as long as you are comfortable with your number, you are comfortable. If it takes you one hundred girls, Asians, Black, Brunet, Blonds, or Brazilians, to find that special girls, then you should go through that one hundred girls! there is no easy way out!
at the same time, it is important that a person be able to keep track of the his/her number. As soon as you don’t remember how many, you have been lost in the game and you are in a wrong path to reach that goal! so, my advice to all the men: KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRICE AND DO AS MANY GIRLS POSSIBLE IN ORDER TO FIND THAT SPECIAL GIRL!
Comment by Ben — November 8, 2006 @ 2:18 am
I agree somewhat agree with the above comment that “as long as you are comfortable with your number” it’s fine. But.. I don’t know about that. I’m a virgin, and the boy I was trying to get in a relationship with was… DEFINITELY not. I don’t even want to know the amount of partners he has had (50? above?), so that number and my lack of made me unintentionally sabatoge any chance of a relationship. The numbers, whether anyone likes to admit it or not, matter. I’m sure if he had known I was a virgin, he may have had issues as well.
About the double standard, I think certainly — there IS. However, I don’t know… guys are built differently from girls… maybe it’s just plain survival of the fittest that guys are more active than girls. Female animals in society have always had less partners and the males seem to be fruitfully spreading the seed to every female that crosses their path. So, I think that’s where it stems from. Is it fair? no… but it’s life? I’m certainly more disturbed when a woman has had 50 partners than a man who has had 50 partners… a woman it’s like … what… a man it’s like … that’s high but… it could be okay…??
*shrugs*
- lori
Comment by Lori — November 8, 2006 @ 2:54 am
I think testosterone just kinda makes guys crazier and more loose about sex than girl, in my opinion. Maybe I’m not supposed to, but I’ve come to accept that there are virtually NO virgin guys around college age kids. I think it would be fantastic to find out that a boy you’re really interested in is a virgin, but alas, I don’t think that would be the case for most.
I still don’t personally think that as long as they get tested and they practice safe sex, that the numbers don’t really matter. I totally agree with Maria, where it’s just a matter of trust issue. I certainly wouldn’t want to be lost in the crowd of easy pussies and drunken sex.
To me it’s also a matter of being sexually attracted. If I’m not really into them–as in a serious relationship with a lot of deep personality connections–I cannot get near them. I feel so awkward when people I am neutral towards are close to me, even if they just happen to sit next to me on a friend’s couch or something.
The first person who’s ever made me feel even remotely sexually interested is my current boyfriend. My previous bf’s were like..eh..sure, I can hold hands with you and perhaps cuddle a little bit…. but I’ve never kissed for more than 5 seconds with another guy before, just because it grossed the fuck out of me. I guess it is kinda weird, now that I think about it. lollerskates.
I don’t really judge girls over how sexually active they are anymore (I used to before) but I still do wonder how they feel about it.
My conclusion: That picture of the bicycle is fucking AWESOME. *high five*
~Emiko
Comment by Emiko — November 8, 2006 @ 5:35 am
I think that female and male numbers differ in another way- sex vs. everything, but sex. Many of the girls I know have a higher oral copulation number than their vaginal penetration number, while many guys I know have a higher penetration number than their oral number. I think that as long as you were safe, respected and it was always a mutual decision to have sex it shouldn’t matter what your number is. I do think some people want sex to be important and meaningful to their partner and they worry that if their partner has had a lot of sex it won’t mean as much to them.
Comment by AbFab — November 8, 2006 @ 11:07 am
“quality over quantity” i love that description. i definitely agree that it’s more important to be agree and be comfortable with how both people feel about the sex before doing it (be it meaningful or meaningless), so that it’s a pleasurable experience with no regrets.
i don’t want to know people’s numbers. that’s something really personal and almost unnecessary information for me to know. the most important pieces of information i need to know is whether or not they’ve got STDs and whether or not they’ll use protection.
numbers translate to one thing, experience. that’s all i want to know. if they can teach what they’ve learned, all the better.
Comment by celine — November 8, 2006 @ 11:54 am
It really is about quality, and whether you get it from your hand, your one significant other, or from half the frat house, it’s your call. Though, to be honest, people with more than, say, 10 (abstract number) make me feel a little dirty.
Comment by Count Z — November 8, 2006 @ 11:57 am
Emiko and Lori, you bring up a good point about the number discrepancy. I am affected by it too. Like I said, the guy with 100 or so partners seemed dirty to me after I found out his number. How could he possibly NOT be STI-free with all the pussy he got?
But you have to explore the term “meaningful.” To someone with 0 or a few sexual partners, meaningful comes from rarity, from waiting for that special person. For those who are a bit more promiscuous, meaningful is not necessarily rarity. Meaning comes from their partners, from the act of sex itself. Sex is not like a rare gem - it’s hardly as glittering or impenetrable as we may want it to be.
It’s hard to compromise on sexual politics, to make a bridge between a number discrepancy.
What I want people to realize is that sex itself is just an act. It has no inherent meaning, especially now. It is not meant solely for reproduction. It only takes on significance and meaning from society and those who experience it. You don’t have to welcome promiscuous sex with open legs, but realize those who do get it on a lot aren’t always using people, spreading STIs, and fucking anything living.
As for your comment, Lori, about guys being more active…it isn’t always the case and we shouldn’t try to explain it through anthropology. Sex today is different from sex in the caves. Today we use protection and contraception. We’re not trying to further the race every time we do the horizontal tango. Sex drive does not necessarily correlate to gender. I know my sex drive is way higher than some guys. And that’s perfectly fine.
Perhaps not natural.
But who’s to say what is “natural” anymore, especially when we are having “unnatural” sex for pleasure and intimacy, not for the sake of procreation?
Comment by Administrator — November 8, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
I actually know a couple of decent guys who are still virgins, so male virgins still exist on a college campus ladies!
As for what Celine mentioned, about having the experienced ones pass on their knowledge. I like the idea of that. It doesn’t matter if the experienced person has had experiences with a bajillion (though, I must admit, it does sound dirty), I think it’s just more important that they use that experience to help someone else explore their own sexuality, find pleasure in sex, and pleasure with one another. Be it girl w/ girl, boy w/ boy, girl w/ boy, boy w/ non-human being? Whatever. The point is that not only is there quality in the act, not only is there meaning in the act, it is highly important that the act is SHARED, that the pleasure is not a one way street and that should there be an inexperienced person in the mix, that that person learn a thing or two. And actually, being able to share your sexual talents puts meaning into the act. Think of it as sex education my dears.
And Christine, I totally agree with you that sex is just an act. Most things in life are what they are. It is people and the thoughts/opinions of those people (which comprise this thing we call society) that puts positive and/or negative connotations/definitions/etc into an act. Sex itself is just literally a penis penetrating a vagina, a penis penetrating an anus, or whatever other acts you consider to be sexual in nature. It is what it is. The rest… it’s just society telling you what to feel, how to feel, and limiting your ability to do something shamelessly.
Comment by shirls — November 8, 2006 @ 5:59 pm
That’s a really good point, Christine and Shirls.
Society decides a lot of things, and I guess we never really stop to question it.
I guess if a couple has issues with each other’s sexuality (let’s say one was a virgin and the other has had many previous partners, and this grinds their gears) then I guess it wouldn’t work out in the end.
What about sex at a younger age? Let’s say, around 13. Do you think there’s a problem with that age? Because technically, most girls around that age start or are already having their period, and their hormones are surely changing for the more sexually active. As for boys, their hormones are definitely being stirred, and it’s a time when they’re very sexually curious.
For most, it’s pretty much the fact that most kids their age are stupid. They believe sexual myths and end up with STDs or get pregnant. But let’s assume that this particular example of a sexually active 13 year old is smart about things. They use protection, they’re well aware of the risks, and they still decide to engage in sexual activities.
Do you think it’s morally justified or is it still wrong?
In my opinion, I think it’s more of an issue of mental maturity. I think they would regret it later on, probably because they thought at that time they were really in love with their sexual partner and really didn’t know any better. But if they were just fucking around, doing whatever with whomever they wanted to, I actually don’t see a problem with that, as long as they’re well aware of what they’re doing.
Any opinions?
~Emiko
Comment by Emiko — November 8, 2006 @ 9:05 pm
I think that whether it’s relationships or just plain sex, the key question is maturity. For instance, I have a friend, late college-age, who’s had a bunch of long-distance relationships because he’s scared and desperate to have his self-esteem reinforced. Kids like that shouldn’t be having sex because they’re using it as a crutch.
Another friend of mine was as intelligent and mature at 15 as any college student you’d ever see, and she started getting into some very serious stuff very early with her boyfriend, fully aware of the possible ramifications.
Comment by Count Z — November 9, 2006 @ 12:21 pm
AIM Conversation 11/12/2006 5:00 pm
[me]: tell christine to hurry up and update her blog!
[Lisa]: its interesting, i like it
[Lisa]: isnt it just a weekly thing?
[me]: i need it twice weekly!
[Lisa]: hahahaha
[me]: chop chop!
[Lisa]: isnt it every tuesday? i feel like shes competing with the daily cal’s sex on tuesday
[me]: all i know is that it’s been too long
[Lisa]: haha maybe you should leave her a comment to tell her that!
Comment by John Henry — November 12, 2006 @ 5:15 pm
Nice blog. I’m sitting at a whopping 2 partners right now but thats all it took to get to the “right girl” in my mind even if we both did have sex with 1 person before. Then again both of these partners were in the last 3 months, according to my friend I went from being a helpless virgin to a total manwhore because I’ve now gotten more than she ever did. You can always look at it in different ways.
Comment by Josh — November 16, 2006 @ 2:36 pm