Carnal Embrace

So I was talking about blowjobs today (you know, just one of those everyday topics). My friend asked, “Well, do you actually like giving one?” I answered with the most affirmative “yes.” I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t like giving head - it’s such a turn-on! (And if it isn’t, you’re probably doing it wrong, or your partner is gross. Just kidding. Maybe.)

We experience the best oral sex when the giver - not necessarily the receiver - gets more pleasure from this incredibly hot hot act. The givers, if they want to please their partners beyond belief, need to want to do it. It has to be a craving, a turn-on in itself. That’s not to say that those who aren’t that into giving are horrible at licking and sucking, but that it’s not as good as when someone with passion does the job.

Oral sex is important to an erotic/romantic relationship. For some, it is more pleasurable than regular sex (I’m talking penis-vagina, penis-ass, vagina-dildo, ass-dildo type of sex. Your “usual” penetration method). The act of getting all up in your partners’ business shows that you are comfortable with these people, enough to have your nose dangerously close to their poopers. You have to be willing to get really really intimate with some pretty private areas. And this brings me to some pointers designed to help you crave giving pleasure instead of receiving it.

Exhibit A:

This is a bush.

This is not.

Which do you think is easier to travel through? If your sweet home on the prairie is covered with a big, wild bush, no one is going to find it. And no one will want to visit - it’s too much effort.

I’m not saying that everyone needs to shave/wax off all their pubes. Keep it trimmed. How can you complain that your partners never lick your clit if they can’t even find it? If you want them to enjoy giving you some mouth magic, blaze the trail! Clear the woods! Whack the weeds. Mow the God-damn lawn, okay? And don’t even think this is specific to a certain sex. This goes for guys too. If you want someone to deepthroat you or to suck on your balls, make sure your lion’s mane won’t end up in a hairball. Not sexy: wheezing ain’t a part of oral sex.

Next up:

Doesn’t this look tasty? Good enough to put in your mouth? Sugar and chocolate and fruit, oh my! Yes, slather it on. If taste is what bugs you when you go down on someone after your dinner date, suggest dessert in bed. You don’t seriously believe that whipped cream and chocolate syrup are only for ice cream, do you? They are for lovin’! Put your favorite sweet sauce on your partner’s genitals and you may just find yourself liking another type of sweetness. After using the food as a segue to some oral, you can progress to flavored lube . . . and then you may just be daring enough to try some private delicacy au naturale. Ooh la la.

Okay, so this next suggestion may throw some Berkeleyans for a loop (if the whole hair thing didn’t already). I bring you something amazing, something to revolutionize oral sex:

Oh holy crap, it’s a friggin’ bathtub! Use it. Soap and water - or, heck, even just water - do amazing things for keeping your zone clean, fresh, and hygienic. No one likes smegma (a.k.a penis/clit cheese) and no one likes ball sweat (labia sweat?). Well, I can’t say no one. Very, very few. Very very. If your lover has something else growing down there, suggest an intimate bath for two. Light some candles, sprinkle rose petals in the bath, and get a hold of a nice soft sponge. Rub your partner with the sponge and get a little bit frisky. Tease: use the sponge to caress the genitals. As you’re doing this, you’re not only getting them super-excited but also making them totally clean! Then when you two can’t take it anymore, jump out and start some serious tongue action. So fresh and so clean - yet so deliciously dirty!

No one can make you like giving oral sex, and you certainly can’t force yourself to either. Some say it’s an acquired taste; some were born to love the nectar between the thighs. Nevertheless, oral sex is going to come up in any serious relationship (or even a casual one at that). Nothing says you have to participate in it, giving or receiving, but you may be setting yourself up for disappointment and dissatisfaction for you and/or your partner. It is my personal belief that more oral sex in the world will make everyone happier and therefore will prevent global warming, feed the starving children in Africa, and stop the fighting in the Middle East. We’ll be too busy breathing through our ears and rubbing cheek against thigh to further any world woes.