Carnal Embrace

Just so that we’re on the same page, here’s something I uncovered from past Sex on Tuesday columns:*

Ohmygod, guys, I just found out about this amazing new thing. It’s really cool and makes guys like you. It’s called sex.

I know not many of you have heard about it. And I certainly know that none of you are doing it yet. That’s why I am spreading the good news.

Sex is what happens when you want a baby. And you’re married. It’s illegal to have sex before you’re married. Not only that, but you look like a big whore. And whores don’t get loved. Or a big fat diamond ring.

So how does it happen? Well, I guess you have to consummate the marriage - preferably your wedding night (your husband will be eager to start your union on a good foot!). He’ll take you into your suite, rented out for just this special night. He will kiss you and then undress you. You should feel comfortable with him - he is your husband and you should do as he asks.

He will undress himself. At this point he will be very excited. He’ll lay you down, on your back, and spread your legs. I hope you remembered to douche your special area! (You know how icky it can get - your baby wants none of that.)

He’ll stick his excitment into your special area and continually push it in and pull it a little bit out. It might hurt, but this is not about you. This is about the culmination of your love, the union shared and created between husband and wife. That itself should feel really good!

When he’s done, he’ll pull out and fall asleep. You’ll want to clean up now - he’s probably made a mess and you need to get started on those wifely duties! Make sure you clean your special area really good. Once that’s taken care of, go can enjoy a peaceful slumber with your hubby. You’ll have to withstand the wet spot, but your man has worked so hard that you won’t mind.

This is your wifely duty. It is also his duty as a man. From time to time, you may want to skip out on it. Maybe you’ve picked up a good book. Maybe you’ve got a headache, or you’re just really tired. DON’T NEGLECT YOUR DUTY. If he keeps up his end of the deal, so should you. Don’t you love him?

This is the only way to have sex. Anything else is improper, gross, and morally wrong. Sex can only happen between a husband and wife. It can only happen with you on your back, facing your husband. You should only do it when you want a baby or when your husband wants it.

If a girl has sex before she is married, she is tainted. Deflowered. Unwanted and unmarriageable. You’ll have to live on the streets, selling what got you there in the first place. You’ll never be the same again.

So remember, keep your eyes open for that sweetheart! Your future hubby may be the boy sitting next to you in class (especially if it’s a Pre-Med class). Marriage is a wonderful thing - and it’s fast-approaching! I mean, what else are you going to do with that humanities major after college? You came here to find your future, not let it die.

So let your hair grow nice, shiny, and long. Keep yourself looking presentable and clean. Clean your special area, and douche at least once a week. But other than that, don’t touch it and don’t think about it. Boys don’t like girls like that.

* Just kidding.